Party of One

The novel is dying, paper magazines are rapidly becoming relics and the two-way vocal conversation is nearly non-exisistent among Generation Z. So what have we done? We've taken to blogging, tableting and texting. Words and thoughts are being truncated into quick countdowns, illustrated lists and top ten tallies. Prose, paragraphs and poems are things of yesteryear, because to be frank, ain't nobody got time for that. Attention spans are short, and because I was recently told that being on trend is important, I have decided to shut up, sit down, and create a simple list. I dub the following:

The Top Five Reasons Why I Am Still Single by Traci L Rosenthal

Reason #1 - Who is a better roommate for me than me? The answer is absolutely no one. The TV is always turned to the show I want to watch at just the right volume. Dinner is incredibly hassle-free, because, you guessed it, I'm always in the mood for what is ordered (sorry, mom, I mean cooked). Lights go out when I'm tired, and the alarm goes off when I need to wake up. If I get a little lonely, I step out of my apartment for five minutes and, because I live in New York City, I probably encounter more personalities than an average American does during an entire day running around their town. Dating someone means opening up the possibility of a life-long roommate, bedmate and bathroommate. I'm just a little hesitant, seeing as how I'm the best roommate I've ever had.

Reason #2 - I have no date-appropriate clothing. Now this might seem like an easy fix. You're thinking, Girl, get yourself some shiny new jeans and a brand spankin' new pair of ass-kicking boots. Or maybe you're not, since it's highly unlikely that your starring in a bad country western themed sit-com. However, even when I enter a store to purchase these specific items, I always leave with the same undateworthy pieces—an oversized sweater and grandpa cardigan. No one wants to take a gal out on the town for mojitos in that getup. But comfort...

Reason #3 - Deep inside there is a raging feminist who rears her ugly head whenever gender ideals are challenged... and boys don't like that. I'll use this past Thanksgiving feast as an example. After the bird was devoured and the green bean casserole dish had been nearly licked clean, it was time for the most unpleasant part of the evening—table clearing and dish washing. As if on cue, all the men migrated in a post-turkey coma to the living room to watch football, while the women speedily cleared place settings and set to work on the greasy, dirty and numerous dishes. The male population didn't even bring their dishes to the sink. I was fuming. Why was no one saying anything? I felt like burning my bra right then and there. Which, of course would have been so awkward seeing as how it was Thanksgiving and all the men were somehow related to me. My mom then informed me that I should pick my battles. I think this would be one of them.

Reason #4 - I fiercely ignore the Scott Gordon rule. In my family, the Scott Gordon rule simply means that you must always try to look un-homeless when exiting the comfort of your own abode. For men this means you should run a comb through your hair and perhaps throw on a belt to complete an outfit. For women it means look presentable—it wouldn't kill you to dab on a little lip gloss and change out of your winter slippers. Most times, when staying in the neighborhood, I opt to ignore the lip rouge and keep on the house shoes, thus not exactly putting my best foot forward. This is a bad habit. "He" could be absolutely anywhere at any time or so I am told. The man of my dreams could be and probably would be in the line behind me at Subway. Or maybe he will help me with the scanner thing at the drug store. First impressions are everything, and I don't give much reason for someone to ask for a second.

Reason #5 - Apparently, I'm not trying very hard. As the only lady left without a dating profile lurking somewhere in cyber space, I'm told time and time again that I'm not really trying that hard. Living life and being present is just not good enough anymore. I must swipe and tap my way to love. Maybe it's time I download some dating assistance. But then again... who is a better roommate than me?