We've all had bad days. Days that force us to gobble down a pack of leftover Girl Scout Cookies with such tenacity that the still-frozen-outer-layer just about cracks a tooth. Days that have left us in such torment that we feel the need to punish ourselves in the form of sad-song reprise. But not just any sappy song blaring out of the radio speakers will do, we want a song that directly transports us to a time of utter misery. For some of us those days morph into months of misfortune, and for the uber unlucky those months flash by and turn into the year from hell. It happens right beneath our unsuspecting, turned-up noses, and unless you take some drastic action, it could linger to the point of no return.
Thankfully, my streaks of calamity are always flanked by reprieves that cast a glimmer of hope - a day or two of worry-free living that results in a momentary lapse of stress. This blissful feeling is so calming that even the most angst-filled twenty-something is reinvigorated enough to leave the woe-is-me look at home, even if only for a few days. Let's all just recognize what a hyperbolic generation we have become. People throw around the phrase "kill me" as if it does not imply something very serious. It does, and now that I have acknowledged it, I admit that I have let these two terrifying words slip out a few times with full intentions of waking up the next day to experience life. We are an eye-rolling clan on the brink of true adult-hood, and boy do we like to exaggerate our first-world problems.
That said, sometimes a bad mood just takes hold and no one and nothing is safe. The rest of your cruel year seems like a Christmas morning in comparison... with a gloriously decorated tree surrounded by shiny, candle-filled menorahs and colorful Kwanzaa kaftans, for the plight of the terrible twenties does not discriminate based on religious conviction.
A few months ago, on a particularly dull day near the end of a less-than-stellar summer, I was having a few of those hours. I was furious at everything, but, since it was caused by nothing substantial, I could not ease my anger. I decided to direct this hot-bed of hatred toward those that seemed happy and fulfilled, particularly those that seemed eager to share their happiness and fulfillment with the rest of us via social networking capabilities. My resentment came out in the form of an e-mail titled "Today's Top 5." It was an emotionally charged message sent out to a hand-picked group of open-minded individuals describing why the gift of shared media was momentarily driving me up a wall and across the ceiling. Now I have chosen - after some badgering from the original audience - to share it with the world. I have a feeling half of you are the guilty perpetrators and the other half agree with me wholeheartedly, so at the risk of facing a massive onslaught of "defriendedness," I bring to you the most loathsome paragraphs that I have ever constructed:
Dear friends that have a great sense of humor,
As I sit here on this Friday afternoon waiting for the sweet relief of my lunch break, I have been, most definitely like most of you, perusing the Internet. My mouse has mostly fallen upon social media sites, and today they are infuriating me.
So I figured I would hand pick this group since not everybody can have the superb and high-level humor that we do. Really this is just a rant, so without further ado the Top 5 things that are annoying me on this Friday...
# 5: If you have a boyfriend (and congratulations if you do, you mother fucker) please refer to him by his name. A shortened version is just fine, but if you are reducing the poor guy to "my boy" or "the boy" I swear to god you are going to lose my respect and the respect of all the men in his life.
# 4: If "the boy" is so amazing that he gets you flowers/chocolate/a god damn 3-speed vibrator PLEASE refrain from snapping an Instagram shot and uploading it immediately to facebook. Wow, isn't that sweet... someone you probably cook, clean and suck dick for bought you a plant. I will never do this. If you have done that, I still love you, but I MOST DEFINITELY rolled my eyes at the computer screen. Unless my future boyfriend gets me something hilarious (like a book about farting) don't expect me to be uploading any time soon.
# 3: If you are going on vacation, please do not make other people feel bad about NOT escaping the monotony of everyday work life. I'm VERY happy for you, I am. But don't you even try to bitch and moan about packing/the plane flight/how small your hotel room is. I'll send someone (cause we all know I'm not getting on that plane) to find you in your probably-too-small-bikini and just slap the shit out of you.
# 2: If one more person takes a photo of their healthy/organic/green lunch I will vomit. I will vomit right here and now on this keyboard. I truly do not give a shit about what is going in your mouth at this very point in time. I actually don't even care if you went to a farm, milked a fucking cow for your cheese, slaughtered a free-range chicken, and picked the green beans yourself. I am eating nachos from a movie theater, and I bet you're jealous.
AND
#1: If you are going to the gym that is great. If you are going to the gym and must post it on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Foursquare and fucking Pinterest then I hate you. I hate you deep, deep down with a firey passion. I hate you so much that in protest I will NOT go to the gym for AT LEAST 3 days. Ha. Go do your 30 minutes on the treadmill, but don't you dare make me feel bad about sleeping in/attending happy hour/laying in the park. I promise that while I'm doing those things you wish you were, too - probably with a side of movie theater nachos at your fingertips. This also means no motivational words of wisdom from some poster you found on dropthepounds.org. Don't tell me to "believe" in myself or to "live this day well." I do what I want. You believe in YOURSELF and live this day however you fucking want, just keep it to yourself because collectively we, as a facebook community, do.not.care.
I hope that you all still want to be my friends after reading this. If not, then I severely underestimated your sense of humor, but I do not apologize. And somewhere deep inside this black space that is currently substituting for a heart, I really do love you all.
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