Foresight is 20/400

I have found that the mid-twenties spur some habitual behaviors that are almost impossible to avoid. The constant sending of our resumes being the most stressful. The need to make every Friday, Saturday and Sunday epic, which usually turns out to be the most disappointing. And the insane dependency we all have on our magical hand-held devices seems the most inescapable. However, most recently, it is not my job search or the incessant buzzing of technology that is bothering me, it is the nagging feeling that the past is really over. I mean, dead, done, finished and buried.

In most ways the burial of my past should be highly celebrated. I'm suggesting a parade down 5th Avenue for those that were around to witness my past and have made it into my present. I give them full permission to rejoice the end of tie-dye band shirts and peace sign everything. It was a time of exploration that went wrong, so completely wrong. But, and I think you will all agree, that embarrassing yourself in the halls of high school is a right of passage. Each and every one of us that has survived the growing-up process has something to look back on and cringe about. My cringe-worthy moments were just a bit louder and slightly more imaginative than your average high school survivor.

I felt an incredibly strong connection to the jam-bands of the 60s (it was 2002) and chose to make that love obvious through my "fashion" and lifestyle choices. Not only did I adorn multi-colored beads and questionable footwear, but there were vibrant, in-your-face stickers that peppered that outside of my car announcing to the world that music was everything and unless Grateful Dead or Phish was blasting through my speakers, I might, very literally, die of uncoolness. Are you cringing yet?

Of course I ignored my mother's pleas for me to dress more current and remove those flashy symbols of peace and grooviness from my vehicle! I had never felt so alive and free! Hindsight wasn't threatening to smack me upside the head just yet and those days, well months, actually years of exploration were necessary... even if now, they make me want to crawl into Doc Brown's DeLorean and hit 88 at warp speed. And although my past is mostly filled with moments that make me want to jump up and scream from sheer humiliation, there are those moments that shine through and make sixteen seem like the pinnacle of my happiness. The awkward dateless prom, the summertime parties and the home-cooked meals that awaited me every evening are moments that I know are long-gone, but sometimes I desperately want back. But then, I remind myself how far I have come in the last decade and decide that going back and doing it all over again seems downright exhausting.

So as I sit here at 25, isn't it obvious that I'm doing something wrong? I'm wearing something that I, myself, will consider hideous in the next five years. I'm friends with some that will not make it into my next chapter. I'm writing a post for the whole world to see that will seem ridiculous and menial in the near future. If hindsight is 20/20 then foresight is just the opposite. I understand that making mistakes is part of the adventure, but a few flashes of future clarity would be helpful. Just subtle hints here and there is all I'm asking. There are the little things -- Will I regret those side swept bangs? Should I buy another pair of gladiator sandals? And then, of course, there are the bigger life issues -- Is going back to school the smartest career move I can make? When is it the right time to leave New York City?

But, I guess those questions can only be answered once I have taken the leap forward to go through with them. In two years I could be toting a masters degree while showing off my killer hair style. Or I could be bored to death in some lifeless city while rockin' last seasons styles. Either way, these are risks I have to take. As for today, I don't need to make any life-altering decisions. I'm going to sit back, relax, and let the sounds of Jerry Garcia ease my mind... cringe.